i saw u

My latest distraction at work is the "Missed Connections" section of the Gumtree website. For the uninitiated, this section is devoted to people who shared a moment together but, for some reason, did not exchange contact details. Sometimes mobile phones are tragically lost, rendezvous are unavoidably missed, shyness regrettably prevents the potential soulmates from swapping numbers. Most often, however, the scenario can be summed up thusly:

i see u every night

 

To the pretty lady i see every night on the tube and bus. Today u had a blue pull over on. U stood next to me on the tube wanted to say hello?

 

u have the most amazing blue eyes and a face to die for. I had the green german jacket on.

 

if u read this pls get in touch or i might just ask u oneday on the train. [Shogun74]

Yes, many of them are men who have seen an attractive woman on the tube and hope that she felt the same damp rush of lust that they did. Some advice, Shogun74 - do not start a missive to your prospective lady love with "i see u every night." That is what stalkers do. Women don't like to feel they're being followed, especially not by a man in a - sorry, "the" - green German jacket.

I'm sure many of them are made up, but I fear the bulk of these deluded men who think gurning at a woman who then legged it = the start of a beautiful romance are sincere. For instance:

sat oppostie u on circle district line

 

we both got on the circle/district line, i sat opposite u in a black coat/scarf in jeans. U were chewing on ur nail looking around the train, i got off at westminter.

 

we had a few glimpses in each others direction.... [Zeafly]

Zeafly, a few glimpses does not augur the start of something beautiful. She was probably wondering why you were looking at her and rubbing your thighs and groaning. She was clearly anxiously biting her nails and looking around desperately for someone who'd help her when you inevitably lunged. Give it up and move on before you get a restraining order.

There aren't many penned by women, but they tend to follow these lines:

it was a fun night, sorry about kickin you out so early, :( would like it to be more than a one night stand, get in touch. [Anon]

Oh dear, Anon. What would your mother say?

My favourite ever ad, however, both terrifies and amuses me in equal parts. It is a work of art which I intend to print out in large font and exhibit at a gallery, entitled ‘Gravy’:

little fat woman outside mcdonalds

 

thursday night at hammersmith mcd,at about just after closing time you were on the floor crying and i said to you are you crying because you are hungry?and you said to me fuck off,because you had fallen over and grazed youre leg.there was blood all over the floor, and i said what bloodtype are you,gravy.please dear god of love may we meet again.